Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Star Wars: Episode III- Revenge of the Sith



To misquote Dickens, “It was the best of movies, it was the worst of movies.” That in a nutshell is a fair description of the latest Star Wars. At times it was like watching an epic and other times I felt like joining the dark side if it would only get me out of the theatre. Don’t get me wrong; it’s definitely worth seeing. I just wish it were as good as the original 1976 flick.

The acting and dialogue have definitely improved since the last two Star Wars. The seduction scenes with Vader and the neo-Emperor were very impressive. You could almost hear him say, “Drink the Kool-aid Darth, drink the Kool-aid.” There hasn’t been anything that engrossing since Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins did their duet scenes in Silence of the Lambs.

I also liked the interaction between teenage Darth and Princess Natalie Portman. They did their Romeo and Juliet star-crossed lovers act quite well. It was like watching Titanic, except this couple was interesting and could act.

This episode, like the last two, is overdone with too much cartoon looking special effects. And the robots & aliens were a little too cutesy for my taste. Hey George, what the heck is the deal with the coughing robot? Don’t they have cough syrup in a galaxy far far away?

I personally would’ve taken all that money spent on the animation, gone to Toys R Us, bought a bunch of models, and had a modeling club design all the special effects But maybe that’s just me. What can I say; I’m the Salman Rushde of Sci-Fi flicks. I will admit that it is the best of the last three of the never-ending Star Wars franchise.

It’s too bad George takes himself a little too seriously. If he went with a few dialogue and scene changes, this would of made a pretty good comedy. Oh well, we’ll just have to wait for the Mel Brooks version.

Until then, may the Schwartz be with you!

FYI: From now on, I am calling all films “movies” since it is more apt description. Especially since we’re mostly recording and watching in digital instead of celluloid now anyway. I’ve test marketed the term “digies” but have had negative feedback.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Going to Manila and Other Horrible Places, Pt.3

Topic: Vacation Trip
My next adventure in the Philippines is on a resort island called Boracay. To get to this lovely little island, you have to ride in this propeller driven plane. The first thing I notice is that there is Arabic writing inside the plane. At first I didn’t understand the significance of this, then I figured it all out.
There’s Arabic on the inside of this plane because it was first shipped and sold to a nation in the Middle East. After Air Arabia (or whatever airline it was) bought the plane, rode the hell out of it, finally decided it was used up, they sold it to anyone that would buy it, and I get to find out how well a forty year-old plane flies. I felt like I was riding in a Ford Pinto with wings. Nothing actually happened on the flight, unless you include the kamikaze dive the pilot decided to use on the landing.
Okay, so I finally land in this winged Pinto. I look around and see a sight that can compete with of Hawaii or Tahiti or any other tropical paradise. It’s pretty as a postcard. My sphincter never felt so relaxed.
The most memorable moment is when I’m walking on the beach at night, and then I look up and see about a billion stars. The warm ocean water is slapping against my ankles and I feel so alive. I felt like I could of stood there and stargazed forever. It would have been a perfect experience, except for the stupid music coming from the bar. I’m having a transcendental moment while listening to the Spice Girls. I travel half way around the planet to listen to the same crap playing in an elevator back home.
So here’s my second most memorable moment. Everywhere I go I here dumb pop music and all I wish for is some real Filipino music. Then suddenly a nightly brown out occurs and the musicians can’t play their electric instruments. So this one guy pulls out an acoustic guitar and starts singing a Filipino song and it sounds great. People start moving towards him and listening. I couldn’t really understand all the words but it sounded like some sort of rebel song. I remember the part that basically says, “Don’t let the soldiers see you cry, they’ll just beat you more.” Considering the place is crawling with cops and soldiers to protect the wealthy Manila and foreign tourist, that was pretty brave of the guy.
So everyone, including myself, is enjoying it, when the generators kick in and we have power again. So what does this schmuck do? He puts away his acoustic guitar and plug-in his electric guitar and staring singing some Beatle’s tune. The crowd gets bored and starts moving away. That pretty much sums the Philippines. Why should you do something great when you can turn up the air conditioning and listen to Brittany Spears instead.

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Friday, May 06, 2005

Kingdom of Heaven (film review)

What happens when you rehash a politically correct Cowboys and Indians movie from the 50s and dress up the cast in armor and turbans? You get Kingdom of Heaven.

First let me suggest that it should be renamed Kingdom of Boring. Even the fight scenes were listless. The only decent performance was from Liam Neeson and he died 15 minutes into this very long film. That was just about the same time the film started heading south.

As for Orlando Bloom, sorry bud, but you ain’t no Russell Crowe. Time to put on the Spock ears and head back to the Middle Kingdom. Not that Ridley Scott shouldn’t shoulder some of the blame for this mediocre extravaganza. It was like watching Hamlet by the Jordan… except not as upbeat. Perhaps Kevin Costner can get Scott to direct the sequel to Waterworld.

Save 2 ½ hours of your life and rent El Cid with Charleston Heston and Sophia Loren instead.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Going to Manila and Other Horrible Places, Pt. 2

Bustos, Bulacan, Filipinas


Topic: Vacation Trip

When my relatives arrive to pick me up from Manila, and take me to our ancestral town, they were all a little shocked to find out I’m here alone. No one said anything but they probably assumed I was a typical male tourist in Manila (i.e. whoring and ogling the sex shows). They probably wouldn’t have believed me if I told them that I hadn’t.

Filipinos are definitely a family-oriented people. Everywhere you go into the Philippines, you see families, and not your 2.4 kids American version either. All my relatives have at least 4 or more children. I remember hearing a theory that fewer children allow more quality time with them. It’s strange then how half the families in America are from broken homes.

Do you know what addiction Filipinos are truly susceptible to? It’s not the inexpensive beer or American culture, it’s air conditioning! How do a people that have lived in these islands for thousands of years suddenly aren’t able to stand the heat and humidity. I tell my relatives that I don’t like air conditioning and they politely turn off the wretched thing, then a few minutes later, they turn it back on because it’s hot. Oh Filipinas, so far from God and so close to durable goods.

My family in Bustos, Bulacan, is friendly, polite, and suffocating. I took a walk after lunch one day. A few minutes later they come chasing after me in a car to find out where I went. I tell them I just wanted to take a walk. My cousin tells me that we should get back. I become concerned and ask if it’s safe to walk here (i.e. will I get kidnap or mugged). He tells me, “No, it is very safe here.” Apparently leaving someone alone is a breach of hospitality to Filipinos, or at least to my family. That and nobody ever walk there if they don’t have to. It’s almost like being in LA.

The most amusing part of the visit was being taken to this fast-food chicken joint called Jolly Bee. We would drive past all these little open aired cantinas to get there. I asked my Tito (Uncle) Franco if these places where any good? He tells me “They’re terrific!” “Then why don’t we go to them?” I ask him. He has no response. The next day he takes me to Jolly Bee again.

So what’s so horrible about this town? Nothing, it’s no worse than any other town in the Philippines. The horrible part is that no one greets a stranger on the street. You nod or say “hi” and they look at you as if you’re about to sell something or kill them.

I admit it; I’m a bourgeoisie suburbanite that likes common courtesy. I understand that it’s a cultural difference and the Filipinos don’t want to get close to anyone outside of their family or friends. You have to help someone if you know him or her. In a poor country where you can barely feed your on family, you don’t want responsibility for someone else. Still, they could at least make a friendly gesture. Even the New Yorkers would nod back to you if you greeted them.

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Sunday, May 01, 2005

Going to Manila and Other Horrible Places, Pt. 1

Barrio Dagupan, Tondo, Manila

Topic: Vacation Trips
Who am I? What would have happened to if I turned left instead of right? And where should I go for vacation? Why don’t I combine the questions and see what happens. With these thoughts, I started my big adventure in the Philippines. Let me be specific, I went to Manila, the ancestral home of the Cruz familia, and a resort island called Boracay.
As usual on my vacations, I went to all the tourist spots but always include a sightseeing tour to the worst parts of the town. I’ve seen lousy neighborhoods in New York, Miami, Chicago, and my hometown of Oakland, CA. Yes, there’s incredible poverty in Manila but I won’t bore you with the details. We have all seen these places on TV or in the movies. What you don’t see is the liveliness of the poor that the Manileños exhibit.
They are poor and will always be poor. You know it and they know it. For the most part, they except their faith and make due as best they can. I personally would wallow in my beer or start shooting people if I were in their worn-out flip flops. But I digress.
Go to the most affluent neighborhoods in America and you won’t see hardly anyone walking at night. If they are in the streets, they’re usually inebriated or expecting a mugger/rapist to jump out at any moment. We are a frightened people.
In the barrios of Manila, you’ll see laughter and life we have long forgotten. You’ll see young couples ordering some San Miguel beer they can barely afford, you’ll see shopkeepers bored but chatty, you’ll see street urchins having fun playing in the gutter. And the way they move in these crime infested slums. Yes, they can be mugged, killed, or raped but why let that stop you from living your life is what they say. Not in their words but by their action.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a horrible place (hence the title) and I thanked my father for getting the family out of there. But the people of Manila and the rest of that archipelago were fascinating.

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